I’m so glad social media wasn’t huge when I was starting my career, or I might have been one of the original “my face at work” memes.
I have a terrible poker face. I used to get side chats from colleagues reminding me to “fix my face” during meetings. After years of practice and seeing my face on camera in thousands of meetings, I still have a terrible poker face. But I’ve learned that having feelings, or reacting, isn’t a problem - it’s what you choose to do with those feelings, or how you respond, that matters.
But isn't that just another way of saying we should edit ourselves at work? And aren't we supposed to show up authentically?
I've learned that being authentic doesn't mean acting on every feeling. Sometimes it means figuring out how to express what matters to you in a way that actually gets you somewhere.
How Not to Express Yourself
Early in my career, I learned this the hard way.
A newly promoted colleague asked me to share everything I’d created to market and deliver a big campaign. All of my templates, my plans - the playbook I had spent the last three years developing. I was very successful with this campaign, and she wanted to use my playbook to build the plan for the entire region.
My initial reaction wasn’t very productive. I declined meetings and didn't join any calls. It was important to me to protect my work, but I didn’t know how to communicate my values or concerns. Finally, my manager called me and asked me what was going on. I told him I was frustrated. I felt like she was trying to pass my work off as her own. He helped me see that I had a strong case and told me that I needed to bring it up openly and directly.
A few days later, my manager invited me to a meeting with my former peer, our regional director, and our regional Vice President. At this meeting, I walked everyone through my playbook for the campaign - the choices I’d made and why my approach worked. I left the meeting with a promotion and a chance to lead the big campaign.
We all face moments at work that test us. A colleague who points out a mistake mid-presentation. A boss who shelves the project you spent hours on at the last minute. A strategy that makes no sense. You can’t control these things and you can’t always control your initial reaction, but you can decide what to do next.
Sometimes [being authentic] means figuring out how to express what matters to you in a way that actually gets you somewhere.”
Reacting or Responding?
Before you do anything, ask yourself 3 questions:
- Do I know the whole story, or am I making assumptions? Sometimes the feelings get so loud that we stop listening to our rational brains. Try asking, “Can you help me understand?” Curiosity is a great way to avoid jumping to conclusions.
- What do I want to accomplish? Don't just react. Take a beat to think about what you want to accomplish and how that might shape your response. Give yourself space by saying, “I’m still processing. Let me think about it and come back to you.”
- Is this the right time and place to respond? Some conversations are better suited to a phone call or an in-person (or on-camera) conversation, not chat or email. And some conversations are better in private than in front of other colleagues or team members. Ask yourself, “What do I want to make sure isn’t misinterpreted?”
I never did fix my face, because feelings aren’t the problem and they never were. What I got better at was what I did next. I still don’t always get it right, but I keep trying.